All the stuff new parents won’t say

I have 2 kids and alot of nieces, I think I speak for all new moms when I say there are some unspoken Rules for Visiting New Mommy and Newborn. New parents may not voice this to you, but regardless you need to know and follow the rules if you want an invite back!

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1.) DO NOT COME BY UNANNOUNCED. Seriously, you’d think this should be obvi, but people (especially grandparents and friends without kids) just don’t always think about it. New parents (especially with first baby) are going through one of the biggest changes of their lives. Babies are a wonderful gift from God and are a treasure, but they definitely disrupt a new parents’ schedule.

Eating, sleeping, showering, hygiene, work, social life etc…..it will be OFF and new parents will need to adjust to this. Stress is high as is laundry, sleep is low as is patience. Bottles, paci’s, diapers, burp rags are everywhere. New moms’ boobs are leaking, her vagina hurts and she cannot get comfortable with the baby pooch that has not gone away. New dad is in panic-mode because he doesn’t know how to help and he thinks his wife despises him. All of this then add in a screaming baby…that cannot be turned off. You get it? Emotional and physical stress double whammying it.

Don’t suprise visit and make new parents feel they need to clean up for you, they don’t have time for that! It does not matter whether you say “oh don’t clean, I’m only stopping by”. A mother feels the weight of the world and all the judgement in it. She will want to appear she has her shit together, you are inadvertantly putting stress on her. Don’t be that person..

DO NOT SUPRISE VISIT, whether you get it or not, you are adding to stress. Just NO.

2.) If you get the greenlight, BRING FOOD. Rules for Visiting New Mommy and Newborn IMPORTANT #2, BRING FOOD! Alot of new parents take awhile to juggle working, cooking, cleaning and taking care of a newborn. Going to the store and cooking a meal will take alot of energy that they might not have much of right now.

Most of the time it’s the nutritious dinners that get thrown to the side, simply because of lack of time and energy. New parents’ will put themselves and their health on the backburner. When you come visit bring a Baked Ziti (I love this one from Pioneer Woman), or a Cowboy Casserole, there are literally thousands on Pinterest. They are simple, quick and easy to make.

That’s one thing that new parents won’t have to stress over.. They can eat a nutritious home cooked meal…it might be awhile until they can fit in cooking again.

3.) Guest should NOT EXPECT TO BE ENTERTAINED AND FED. Before my husband and I had kids we loved to entertain. We would have family and friends over and make elaborate dinners with appetizers, we went all out. Being the first of our friends (and family on my husband’s side) to have babies, the change came as a shock to everyone. After we had our first baby we just stopped letting friends and family visit as much. It was SO STRESSFUL.

Rules for Visiting New Mommy and Newborn #3, DON’T expect to be fed, wined and dined by stressed out and sleep deprived new parents. I speak from experience. Friends would try to keep my husband and I up late drinking and playing games after the baby went down. They’d eat all of our food and not replace it, not help with laundry or cleaning, play with the baby and get them off their schedule. When they finally would leave I had no energy left, I slaved to everyone.

So I made a new rule a after we had our second baby. You can come to stay, but you will feed yourself. You will help me and not make me take care of you. If you need a towel, get it yourself. Want breakfast, make it yourself. Be there to help new mommy, not to be taken care of yourself. If I feel you are being discourteous or a PAIN IN MY ASS, I will ask you to leave.

DO NOT ASK NEW PARENTS TO FEED YOU AND ENTERTAIN YOU. They are struggling enough tryin to take care of a newborn and themselves. YOU HELP THEM IN ANYWAY THEY NEED, or your presence at their home is a disruption and an inconvenience. PERIOD.

4.) DO NOT GUILT NEW PARENTS. If new parents’ tell you NO they do not want visitors, then do not get upset ,guilt them or impose yourself on them. Having a newborn is physically and emotionally exhausting and you are running on fumes most of the time. Not to mention new parents are trying desperately to achieve some kind of schedule and normalcy, or maybe just a hot shower. They are stressed. They are “in the trenches”. It is a necessary step into parenthood, but it is stressful. Give them the space and time with their baby that they need.

Rules for Visiting New Mommy and Newborn #4 , When they say NO VISITORS, it is NOT up for negotiation. Do not come over.

5.) Do NOT SNATCH BABY AWAY FROM NEW PARENTS. I cannot tell you how many times I had friends and family come over and literally grab my baby from my arms. Like without asking. Even when the baby was sleeping! DO NOT SNATCH A BABY FROM THE MOM OR DAD WITHOUT ASKING!

Trust me, you will get to hold the baby, no need for baby snatching up in here. Where’s the fire? Just hold your horses.

6). AT LEAST PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT NEW MOM AND DAD TOO. Everyone is always worried about the baby, constantly. Not many people stop and just ask new mom or dad how they are. If they are ok. If they need anything. What you can help them with, even if it’s just to lend an ear. Most people just walk in the house and demand the baby to hold while they watch new mom clean or cook. So, don’t walk in and do that.

Rules for Visiting New Mommy and Newborn #6 , Let new mom or dad hold their baby and you cook or clean for them. Ask new mom or dad how they are doing, let them vent. You listen and try not to compare and give advice unless they ask. New parenthood is tough and it takes awhile for new parents to let go of their old self and embrace the chaos. They are going through a huge change. They don’t need to hear how they need sleep or a schedule, they know. Just listen.

Be a help not a burden.

7.) NO UNSOLICITED ADVICE. Every seasoned mom or dad wants to help a struggling new mom. We went through it and now we’d like to pass on hard earned and valuable advice. New moms are hearing advice from everywhere and everyone though. From the OB, the pediatrician, sisters, the grandmas, neighbors etc. Even women stop you in the store to give advice! It really is just alot. Someone always has something to say.

Personally, I did better just figuring it out on my own. Like I said above, this “in the trenches” phase is a necessary step. Let new moms and dads figure out their own baby and what works for them. Rules for Visiting New Mommy and Newborn # 7 , hush and keep your advice to yourself unless specifically asked for it.

If new mom asks you for advice, by all means give it, but be mindful that she needs to do things her way as well and let her momma bear instincts kick in. It may not be the same way you did things as a new mom, that’s ok. This is her journey, not yours.

8.) DO NOT DROP OFF ALL YOUR OLD BABY STUFF. Yes I realize as soon as you decide you are done procreating you want to get rid of all.the.stuff. It’s our nature, we want to close that door. Try and remember that new parents usually get quite a bit of baby loot at their showers or as gifts. They may not need your 5 year old stained up onesies that have been baking in your attic for 4 and a half years. Don’t be offended, if they don’t need it then you are dumping off garbage to either clutter up their house OR dispose of themselves. So, be courteous and ask what they need first.

Rules for Visiting New Mommy and Newborn #8 , Don’t just come over with garbage bags full of old clothes and drop them on the porch. Ask if they’d like to peruse your old baby stuff before you get rid of it. Give them the choice.

9.) Don’t compare Birth Stories– I know every mom wants to tell her story. For some reason women use the ability to labor and deliver vaginally as a badge of honor these days. However, keep in mind that some women did not get the delivery they had planned on or hoped for. Don’t flaunt ” Hey girl you had it easy with that C-section, I went through 30 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing”. New moms don’t need to hear that. They are going through enough emotionally, you don’t need to add to it. If they want to talk about their birth story then by all means go ahead, but don’t enter into a pissing contest on who endured the most pain.

Having had a vaginal and a C-Section birth I can tell you they are both damn hard, C-sections are by NO MEANS the easy way out. I have no idea why women turn this into a damn contest, but it is ridiculous and can be so hurtful.

Rules for Visiting New Mommy and Newborn # 9 ,Don’t be the person that makes a new mom feel inadequate, I have been there and it’s a very dark place.

10.) This is for all the Grandma’s and Grandma-in-laws: DO NOT BULLDOZE your daughter, daughter in law, son or son in law. Don’t make fun of them, this baby thing is VERY new. Respect the new parents when they lay down the law. No pacifier means NO DAMN PACIFIER. Don’t pick up the baby means DON’T PICK UP THE DAMN BABY. Go home means GTFO.

New parents have to learn how to navigate parenting and they cannot do that if you are hovering, correcting everything they do or emotionally bulldozing them. If new mom says stop holding her baby all damn day then listen to her. I have been in this situation. Grandma wants to hold baby in her arms all day and night for a straight week, Then grandma goes home and I’m left with an infant who must eat, sleep and play only in my arms and never wants to be put down. That’s great for retired grandma, not so much for sleep deprived and working parents.

The reverse is true as well, do not tell a new mom she is spoiling her baby by holding him/her too much. Don’t be ridiculous. It’s her baby and her journey, respect that and keep your opinions to yourself.

Don’t create a whole shitshow and then head home and leave new parents figuring out how to navigate said shitshow.

11.) Mother-in-laws this is directly to you. Mind your tongue. Use your filter. Use this time to get closer to the person your child married, not push them away. No snide remarks on swelling, weight, tired appearance or sleep. Be a shoulder to lean on and have an open ear to listen. I don’t care if your daughter in law is snappier than usual, of course she IS!! Don’t you say it though.

Do not tell her to go outside and exercise because at 2 weeks post partum you were playing tennis matches. Don’t tell her that her babyweight is oddly slow to come off and you lost all of yours day 1. Don’t tell her that the baby looks nothing like your son. None of those remarks are encouraging, uplifting or helpful. Don’t be a MONSTER IN LAW. Show some compassion.

DO NOT FORGET you must go through your daughter in law to get to your grandchildren, don’t create tension and hostility.

12.) Get out of the baby’s face. This makes me cringe. Everyone wants to kiss the baby, some right on the mouth. I had winter babies, it was full blown cold and flu season so this was a constant thing. I got alot of eye roll’ and family calling me a helicopter mom, and I did not care. My baby my rules.

Don’t get all up close and personal with a tiny human that has zero immune defense. It’s ok to interact with baby, but back your face away from their face. Also, keep an eye out for people with sores and blisters on their lips (cold sores). Don’t let their lips near the baby.

If you’re knowingly sick or ill then don’t come visit a newborn, like I said they have no immune defense against viruses yet. Respect that new parents have an instinct to protect their child from everything. Don’t make fun of them and call them helicopter parents.

13.) A few phrases to NEVER say to a new mom:

• “Sleep when the baby sleeps”. Just don’t.
• ” When are you having another baby?” W. T. F.
• “How much baby weight do you have to lose?” Yes I got this question, only an asshole would ask this
• ” Why do you still look pregnant?” Yes I got this question too, from the same asshole.
• “Why are you so cranky and snappy?” Captain Obvious here WOW.
• ” You’re a helicopter mom, stop worrying” da f$(k ?
• ” maybe the baby doesn’t like your milk” I got this one thrown at me when my daughter had colic
• “I breastfed for 12 months with no problem” Yeah well your kid is eating crayons over there, so…..
• “Having fun on your maternity leave?” Yeah sure, might as well be called fantasy island
• “Did it hurt?” This is when I bonk you over the head. Yeah it damn hurt! WTH people.
• “I dislike baby’s name” Yeah my MIL said about my sons name ” I liked that name the least of all the names”…so I invented a brand new name for MIL and it starts with B and ends with H. How bout that name?
• ” Was getting pregnant an accident”. Yeah sure I stumbled on a rock and ended up pregnant….WTAF
• “It’s a shame you’re putting the baby in daycare” Sure I guess I could just quit work and steal food from the supermarket. This one pisses me off the most. Older women who stayed at home with their kids in the 80’s so they think you should too. I go beserk when I get this question. My MIL acted like daycare was a child torture facility, my kids LOVED daycare and played, painted and socialized all day. Just STFU and mind your business.

Ladies, this list could go on and on. Point is, don’t say something that could be construed negatively to an exhausted new mother. If it can be taken the wrong way then IT WILL BE. My advice to visitors, plaster on a smile, bring some food, do some housework and shut up. Perfect baby visitor/house guest. Remember to help not burden. I realize this post maybe a bit harsh, it is meant to be. This post is meant to be the voice of new parents, because most will not voice these things themselves.